I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. - Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! - Mitch Hedberg
You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. - Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for a whole week, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. - Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. - Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. - Mitch Hedberg
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?' - Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg